She Heard That
Either my wife underwent surgery to become the bionic woman, or motherhood changes the structure of the ear in such a way as to give women the power to hear a whisper from a mile away. Hyperbole? Maybe, but I do know that the newbmom can hear ANY noise our daughter makes ANYWHERE.
This came in handy in the early months when every noise needed to be quickly analyzed and appropriately classified into the basic baby categories: needs food, needs comfort and has gas. Take notes when your wife tells you that one particular pitch means one thing and the other means another. Learning this knowledge will make everyone happier.
However, as with all superpowers, there is a downside. You can’t just stop hearing whenever you want to. You hear stuff; it’s not like you can close your ears. Neither can your wife.
So, you and the mother of your child are in the house and the baby makes a sound. Nine times out of ten, that sound is minor and quickly classified as “non-urgent.” But there are noises that require a little more concentration to classify.
Do not attempt to talk to your wife during these moments. Even if you have managed to hear the same noise and have classified it as “the baby is upset but she’ll be asleep in three minutes” and have accordingly moved on, your wife has not. She will spend those three minutes listening to the noise and, in my house, watching the corresponding video on the baby monitor until it ends and the child is back to a peaceful state.
It’s like there’s some genetic switch that makes a mother unable to think about anything else while her child is making sounds of distress. This is a good thing. You want your woman to be as protective of your baby as a lioness to her cub or a eagle to her chick. But don’t compare mothers to animals, aloud. They’ll hear you. And then they’ll come after you in their 70′s track suits and feathered hair.
